Im going to take a pause for this cause by writing this particular blog piece for a little while. Who knows how many more of these pieces will come, maybe it will be a few more. But for now I am thinkng about the closing of the year, the Christmas holiday, my hopes and dreams for the new year and ah those most blessed of subjects etching their way into the America lexicon, Love and Money.
Romance and your fiscal picture may not be the first two things you pair up in your mind- its nothing like Chocolate and Peanut Butter or bourbon and eggnog or even Ike and Tina. However as I review my year past and think about the year to come, and couple those thoughts with the loneliness of those half dozen presents sitting under my Tree for my Mom, my dogs and my cat, I cant help but wonder why I have had such a difficult time convincing the various ladies I have courted to look seriously at the benefits of marriage?
Why do we spend so much time looking at Love with visions of sugar plums dancing in our little heads these days instead using Mr. Potter's pragmatism of a "thrifty working class?" It aint sexy I get that, but Im not screaming "Bah Humbug" at the prospect of cupid's arrow either. Like all things a little of this and little of that go a long way when taking in the big picture.
It wasn't so long ago that a young man was judged ready for marriage simply by the cut of his coat and the heft of his wallet. Women were judged ready by the depth of their dowry and their readiness for children. These were as romantic of notions as a Sonnet by Alan Ginsburg. Love played little to no role in the prospect of Marriage and in some places still, marriages are arranged based on the number of cows in a man's herd.
Only in this modern world in which we live, can we boil the prospect of mating down to a few pithy words and series of selfies while we ping the cloud for potential matches. And even if you do find that someone of interest while trolling the internet, most times we judge each other based on purient, shallow, self absorbed notions of attraction and romance. There is nothing real, soilid or of substance to meeting people these days and perhaps that is why the marriage rate has plummeted, out of wedlock births are sky rocketing and the online dating scene is so hopelessly adrift.
Half-assed doctors tell us of their logarythms and patented matching systems, while web-based dating sites are getting federal scrutiny for cooking the books of love. I dont trust those "systems" any more than I trust using my debit card in Bangladesh. There is something plenty fishy going on with the not-so-OK modern version of Cupid. Its enough to set the Tinder under my Christmas yule ablaze without even the need for a Match. You get what I am saying- they are all suspect and other than playing video games, they dont have much real likelihood of bringing two people together to sow the seeds of love in my experience.
But this really isnt about Love, is it? And why should it be? Love and Marriage no more belong together than tuna and lime jello ( saw a holiday recipe yesterday with that in it that made me want to hurl).
"Marriage is a contract" as Judge Judy says all the time. It is a business relationship between two parties where they agree to take on the trials and tribulations of life to build a home, have a family and grow old together. If you doubt nature of its veracity as a contract, ask anyone who has been divorced- its expensive and complicated to get out of once you have entered into a contract of marriage. When I think of marriage, I think of retirement accounts, mortgages and college savings plans. Not roses, and chocolates and flowery words. Its a business deal, plain and simple when you boil it all down. Throw in kids and families and then your talking about genetics and financial planning. There are so many more aspects to marrying somebody that involve a cold hard balance sheet and medical chart, why do we spend so much time looking for a blind little fat man in a diaper to wander around and stab us with a projectile to tell us who to marry? If your waiting for cupid, I would suggest in this day and age you have a better chance of getting gored by a bull in Manhatten than bumping into your future spouse on a city street. Im as in love with idea of romance as the next guy, but is it really the best way to pick what is substantially the most important business partner of your life? I would argue no.
And to bolster my point, I think we should look at the real perks to getting married. Sure you have someone to celebrate holidays with on a regular basis and maybe you dont have to sleep alone anymore, but these are the ancellaries to the big picture. Marriage has a bunch of perks that are much more tangible.
Obviously tax benefits abound for the married couple- Turbo Tax lays out the benefits and draw backs nicely in their article "7 Advantages of Getting Married " and Men's Health talks about the quality of life perks to marriage in their article "The Benfits of Being Married". Lower tax rates, longer life and better sex lives are all biggies in the Man's world and you can't argue with that logic. But what about from the woman's perspective, are there any perks for a women to tie the knot?
Forbes Magazine looked at the benefits to the corporate climbing woman of picking the perfect partner in their article, "Does Getting Married Help Women get Ahead?" and while they are a bit more mealy mouthed about the benefits and caution the upwardly mobile millenial to chose wisely, they do agree that "from a purely financial perspective, those who say I do really do come out ahead." citing a U of Michigan study where women who were married earned 4% more than unmarried women. But is 4% really worth dealing with the toilet seat up and stretch marks?
Obivious I think that is a big yes- but why? Partnership.
Man and Women were designed by our creator to be partners- we fit together after all from a physiological perspective. 10,000 years of sex and evolution made men good at killing spiders and women good at tolerating men. I know some will ask, what about same sex marriage- does the evolution argument still work? Whether you agree or disagree with same sex marriages, you have to recognize that men and women play off each other nicely both physically and functionally.
And then there is that nagging economic argument- is it all about lower taxes and earned income? No but the economics of living are made that much more simple by coupling, whether its marriage, cohabitation or good old fashion living in sin. The basic necessities of life are so much cheaper and easier when your coupling. Here's just a few:
FOOD
Have you ever tried to buy food as a single person? You cant by a half of box of cereal or one chicken breast. Try using up a whole container of sour cream as a single person before the mold grows on it? Odds are unless you are willing jettison some food, you will resemble St. Nick if you try to negotiate the grocery store as a single person. So what is the alternative? Take out or restaurants- both of which grow your posterior assets and prematurely empty you wallet. Eating as the single person, any way you shake it, is a waste of money, unhealthy and just plain sucks. Doesn't even a can of soup taste better when you have someone to share it with?
Mother Teresa sits down to Lunch with Jesus in heaven. She looks down at her plate and sees a couple of PBJ sandwiches between her and the Savior. She hears laughter coming from down below and she looks over the edge of the table and sees Satan, Osama Bin Laden, Hitler, Stalin and a few thousand of their friends sitting down to Prime Rib, Glazed Carrots, Yorkshire Pudding, King Crab legs and a buffet banquet made for a king. Mother Teresa says, "Hey Jesus, I dont want to complain, but why are we eating PBJ, while Satan's brood gets top notch eats?" Jesus looks back in despair and says, " My Child, its just not worth cooking for two".
RENT UTILITIES
Back in the day, families lived together- Oh not just Mom and Dad and the two kids. Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, Sisters, Brothers, Mom and Dad and All the Kids crammed themselves into a few rooms and a bath. Certainly it was where those amazing Christmas memories came from with everyone around a table, but did you ever think about why they did that?
They had one electric bill, one water bill and one rent to pay. They didn't even worry about cell phones, cable, or trash pick up back then and it made sense- granted the bills might have been higher, but the more bodies in a home, the cheaper the bills per capita and the more people to pay the bills.
Today, we all live in our own little spots- lots of indepence in our own little apartments, with our own little TVs and our own little fridge and our own little pile of bills. Two people living independently both have to pay for that hook up fee they charge you for your cable service and the box fee they charge you for the receiver and the goverment service fee they charge you just cause they can. In the age of nickle and dime fees at every turn, dont you see, one bill, means one set of fees. One home, means one bill. Maybe that bill will be a bit higher, but its lower per capita becayse your only paying one set of fees per household. It make sense dont you think even if you dont want to get married- at least consolidate the living expenses BY LIVING TOGETHER!
And certainly, a room mate fits the bill, but even with a room mate you are kind of living seperately. You each get your own shelf in the fridge and you need two cable boxes instead of one. Thats why coupling makes so much sense.
A couple lives intimately- one bed, one TV, one roll of toilet paper. Matching up with someone isn't just a perk, its a necessity to living a greener lifestyle- save the planet and get laid all at the same time. Brilliant!
HEALTH
Everyone knows by now that men live longer if they are in a relationship- and I'd be willing to bet, although I dont have the science to prove it, women live longer as well. Im not talking about who gets cancer or who dies from alcoholism here. Im talking about your every day health.
Are you going to chow down on two whoppers if your girl friend is watching? Will you suck down that whole pint of Hagendaaz if your boy friend is watching? Obviously not.
What about when your sick? As a single person, your Mom is the only person who is going to put up with three days of montazuma's revenge or run to the pharmacy at 4 AM cause you need prune juice. When your single you have no one to watch your back other than your Mom. And she's not always gong to be there.
Marriage is designed to be a life ring as you age. Whether its making a bowl of chicken soup for you when you have a cold, or doing something completely disturbing like fishing your false teeth from the toilet when that time comes, having a mate means you wont have to face the world of aging by yourself.
Q.E.D.
So I am not saying that love and romance aren't great reasons to date. A nice dinner, a long walk on the beach, late night chats about the future are all fun and necessary elements when picking that perfect partner. But the run up to that should not be souly focused on the physical assets and the flowery feelings.
When trolling the dating sites or even wandering the bar scene, Im asking you to look a little further. Its not just about his car or her prada bag. Its not just about his ability to buy you diamonds or her ability to make you drool. For that matter, it isn't even about the opening line or the staged selfie of you looking active and healthy.
Dont cast your fate to the stars to find that special somone or even settle to love the one your with. Work at it, think about it, research the matter and actively pursue, not the perfect person, just the right person. Love will no more land in your lap, than finding the perfect person with a boolean search will yield a match made in Heaven.
Playing the field, dating for fun and even holding off dating until your ready, are good things. But while you are busy making your first million, building your career, embracing your freedom and family, ask yourself, am I really doing the best thing for myself by making myself so unavailable? Am I losing the forrest for the trees while looking for perfection and turning down the imperfect?
I am just asking you to realize that while you are so busy that you decline 9 out of every 10 date requests because you have to work. Or put dating a distant third to yet another dinner at your Moms house. Or choose to ignore every inquiry on your dating profile because that perfect somone has yet to show their face. Maybe, just maybe, your idea of perfect isn't going to seem so perfect when you are sitting home with a cold on your 40th birthday and wondering, "what if I had just said yes that one time, would things be different?"
As the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future come to call this Christmas eve, and the ball descends on Time Square shortly after, consider this: Is your singularity truly by choice or circumstance? Have you put all you could into finding that special someone in 2014? What can you do different in 2015? If you are in a relationship, is it one that has a future or simply one to fill the time? Adding a little pragmatism to your list of New Years resolutions by giving love a chance, not for romance sake, but for the sake of your improved quality of life might just be the difference next year and all the years to come.
Wishing You A Blessed and Happy Christmas and Prosperous New Year in 2015!
Romance and your fiscal picture may not be the first two things you pair up in your mind- its nothing like Chocolate and Peanut Butter or bourbon and eggnog or even Ike and Tina. However as I review my year past and think about the year to come, and couple those thoughts with the loneliness of those half dozen presents sitting under my Tree for my Mom, my dogs and my cat, I cant help but wonder why I have had such a difficult time convincing the various ladies I have courted to look seriously at the benefits of marriage?
Why do we spend so much time looking at Love with visions of sugar plums dancing in our little heads these days instead using Mr. Potter's pragmatism of a "thrifty working class?" It aint sexy I get that, but Im not screaming "Bah Humbug" at the prospect of cupid's arrow either. Like all things a little of this and little of that go a long way when taking in the big picture.
It wasn't so long ago that a young man was judged ready for marriage simply by the cut of his coat and the heft of his wallet. Women were judged ready by the depth of their dowry and their readiness for children. These were as romantic of notions as a Sonnet by Alan Ginsburg. Love played little to no role in the prospect of Marriage and in some places still, marriages are arranged based on the number of cows in a man's herd.
Only in this modern world in which we live, can we boil the prospect of mating down to a few pithy words and series of selfies while we ping the cloud for potential matches. And even if you do find that someone of interest while trolling the internet, most times we judge each other based on purient, shallow, self absorbed notions of attraction and romance. There is nothing real, soilid or of substance to meeting people these days and perhaps that is why the marriage rate has plummeted, out of wedlock births are sky rocketing and the online dating scene is so hopelessly adrift.
Half-assed doctors tell us of their logarythms and patented matching systems, while web-based dating sites are getting federal scrutiny for cooking the books of love. I dont trust those "systems" any more than I trust using my debit card in Bangladesh. There is something plenty fishy going on with the not-so-OK modern version of Cupid. Its enough to set the Tinder under my Christmas yule ablaze without even the need for a Match. You get what I am saying- they are all suspect and other than playing video games, they dont have much real likelihood of bringing two people together to sow the seeds of love in my experience.
But this really isnt about Love, is it? And why should it be? Love and Marriage no more belong together than tuna and lime jello ( saw a holiday recipe yesterday with that in it that made me want to hurl)."Marriage is a contract" as Judge Judy says all the time. It is a business relationship between two parties where they agree to take on the trials and tribulations of life to build a home, have a family and grow old together. If you doubt nature of its veracity as a contract, ask anyone who has been divorced- its expensive and complicated to get out of once you have entered into a contract of marriage. When I think of marriage, I think of retirement accounts, mortgages and college savings plans. Not roses, and chocolates and flowery words. Its a business deal, plain and simple when you boil it all down. Throw in kids and families and then your talking about genetics and financial planning. There are so many more aspects to marrying somebody that involve a cold hard balance sheet and medical chart, why do we spend so much time looking for a blind little fat man in a diaper to wander around and stab us with a projectile to tell us who to marry? If your waiting for cupid, I would suggest in this day and age you have a better chance of getting gored by a bull in Manhatten than bumping into your future spouse on a city street. Im as in love with idea of romance as the next guy, but is it really the best way to pick what is substantially the most important business partner of your life? I would argue no.
 |
| http://www.whatwouldjudysay.com/episodes/contracts-for-dummies |
And to bolster my point, I think we should look at the real perks to getting married. Sure you have someone to celebrate holidays with on a regular basis and maybe you dont have to sleep alone anymore, but these are the ancellaries to the big picture. Marriage has a bunch of perks that are much more tangible.
Obviously tax benefits abound for the married couple- Turbo Tax lays out the benefits and draw backs nicely in their article "7 Advantages of Getting Married " and Men's Health talks about the quality of life perks to marriage in their article "The Benfits of Being Married". Lower tax rates, longer life and better sex lives are all biggies in the Man's world and you can't argue with that logic. But what about from the woman's perspective, are there any perks for a women to tie the knot?
Forbes Magazine looked at the benefits to the corporate climbing woman of picking the perfect partner in their article, "Does Getting Married Help Women get Ahead?" and while they are a bit more mealy mouthed about the benefits and caution the upwardly mobile millenial to chose wisely, they do agree that "from a purely financial perspective, those who say I do really do come out ahead." citing a U of Michigan study where women who were married earned 4% more than unmarried women. But is 4% really worth dealing with the toilet seat up and stretch marks?
Obivious I think that is a big yes- but why? Partnership.
Man and Women were designed by our creator to be partners- we fit together after all from a physiological perspective. 10,000 years of sex and evolution made men good at killing spiders and women good at tolerating men. I know some will ask, what about same sex marriage- does the evolution argument still work? Whether you agree or disagree with same sex marriages, you have to recognize that men and women play off each other nicely both physically and functionally.
And then there is that nagging economic argument- is it all about lower taxes and earned income? No but the economics of living are made that much more simple by coupling, whether its marriage, cohabitation or good old fashion living in sin. The basic necessities of life are so much cheaper and easier when your coupling. Here's just a few:
FOOD
Have you ever tried to buy food as a single person? You cant by a half of box of cereal or one chicken breast. Try using up a whole container of sour cream as a single person before the mold grows on it? Odds are unless you are willing jettison some food, you will resemble St. Nick if you try to negotiate the grocery store as a single person. So what is the alternative? Take out or restaurants- both of which grow your posterior assets and prematurely empty you wallet. Eating as the single person, any way you shake it, is a waste of money, unhealthy and just plain sucks. Doesn't even a can of soup taste better when you have someone to share it with?
RENT UTILITIES
Back in the day, families lived together- Oh not just Mom and Dad and the two kids. Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, Sisters, Brothers, Mom and Dad and All the Kids crammed themselves into a few rooms and a bath. Certainly it was where those amazing Christmas memories came from with everyone around a table, but did you ever think about why they did that?
They had one electric bill, one water bill and one rent to pay. They didn't even worry about cell phones, cable, or trash pick up back then and it made sense- granted the bills might have been higher, but the more bodies in a home, the cheaper the bills per capita and the more people to pay the bills.
Today, we all live in our own little spots- lots of indepence in our own little apartments, with our own little TVs and our own little fridge and our own little pile of bills. Two people living independently both have to pay for that hook up fee they charge you for your cable service and the box fee they charge you for the receiver and the goverment service fee they charge you just cause they can. In the age of nickle and dime fees at every turn, dont you see, one bill, means one set of fees. One home, means one bill. Maybe that bill will be a bit higher, but its lower per capita becayse your only paying one set of fees per household. It make sense dont you think even if you dont want to get married- at least consolidate the living expenses BY LIVING TOGETHER!
And certainly, a room mate fits the bill, but even with a room mate you are kind of living seperately. You each get your own shelf in the fridge and you need two cable boxes instead of one. Thats why coupling makes so much sense.
A couple lives intimately- one bed, one TV, one roll of toilet paper. Matching up with someone isn't just a perk, its a necessity to living a greener lifestyle- save the planet and get laid all at the same time. Brilliant!
HEALTH
Everyone knows by now that men live longer if they are in a relationship- and I'd be willing to bet, although I dont have the science to prove it, women live longer as well. Im not talking about who gets cancer or who dies from alcoholism here. Im talking about your every day health.
Are you going to chow down on two whoppers if your girl friend is watching? Will you suck down that whole pint of Hagendaaz if your boy friend is watching? Obviously not.
What about when your sick? As a single person, your Mom is the only person who is going to put up with three days of montazuma's revenge or run to the pharmacy at 4 AM cause you need prune juice. When your single you have no one to watch your back other than your Mom. And she's not always gong to be there.
Marriage is designed to be a life ring as you age. Whether its making a bowl of chicken soup for you when you have a cold, or doing something completely disturbing like fishing your false teeth from the toilet when that time comes, having a mate means you wont have to face the world of aging by yourself.
Q.E.D.
So I am not saying that love and romance aren't great reasons to date. A nice dinner, a long walk on the beach, late night chats about the future are all fun and necessary elements when picking that perfect partner. But the run up to that should not be souly focused on the physical assets and the flowery feelings.
When trolling the dating sites or even wandering the bar scene, Im asking you to look a little further. Its not just about his car or her prada bag. Its not just about his ability to buy you diamonds or her ability to make you drool. For that matter, it isn't even about the opening line or the staged selfie of you looking active and healthy.
Dont cast your fate to the stars to find that special somone or even settle to love the one your with. Work at it, think about it, research the matter and actively pursue, not the perfect person, just the right person. Love will no more land in your lap, than finding the perfect person with a boolean search will yield a match made in Heaven.
Playing the field, dating for fun and even holding off dating until your ready, are good things. But while you are busy making your first million, building your career, embracing your freedom and family, ask yourself, am I really doing the best thing for myself by making myself so unavailable? Am I losing the forrest for the trees while looking for perfection and turning down the imperfect?
I am just asking you to realize that while you are so busy that you decline 9 out of every 10 date requests because you have to work. Or put dating a distant third to yet another dinner at your Moms house. Or choose to ignore every inquiry on your dating profile because that perfect somone has yet to show their face. Maybe, just maybe, your idea of perfect isn't going to seem so perfect when you are sitting home with a cold on your 40th birthday and wondering, "what if I had just said yes that one time, would things be different?"
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| When the Ghost of Christmas Future Comes to Call SCROOGED 1988 Bill Murray |
As the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future come to call this Christmas eve, and the ball descends on Time Square shortly after, consider this: Is your singularity truly by choice or circumstance? Have you put all you could into finding that special someone in 2014? What can you do different in 2015? If you are in a relationship, is it one that has a future or simply one to fill the time? Adding a little pragmatism to your list of New Years resolutions by giving love a chance, not for romance sake, but for the sake of your improved quality of life might just be the difference next year and all the years to come.
Wishing You A Blessed and Happy Christmas and Prosperous New Year in 2015!
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