This one goes out to Mr. Bracci, Mrs. Willis, Mrs. Davidson and Mr. Kasper where ever you may be. It goes out to the Stratford Board of Education for thinking that sequestering a kid from gen pop and telling them they are "the cream of the crop" was a good idea It goes out to The University of Connecticut, The US Coast Guard Academy, and Boston University in all their glory. And it goes out to my Mom, my Dad and My sister, Fuck you all.
I learned this week that I am ADD or ADHD - one or the other I wasn't paying attention. I also learned that I am impaired from years of alcohol dependence attempting to overcome all the dark thoughts that were implanted in my brain by that list of bastards previously mentioned who were so sure they knew who I was that they failed to recognize that I had a glitch that was easy to fix but debilitating if ignored.
And it has been a struggle. In my interpersonal relationships, my education, my work life and my existence- it has all been marred by that group and those places who if they just listened to me at any time in my life would have seen that I needed help. And they were the ones that supposedly had the skills to see what I couldn't. I was special.
I remember in fourth grade, how every day felt like I was a day late and dollar short for everything. Constantly playing catch up with a cinder block tied around my soul dragging me down. Knowing something wasn't right and having no way to fix it. And having to hear, "he's a conman, he's lazy, he always takes the short cut." "Boy your really smart, too bad you such a screw up".
That was what I heard and that is what told myself through every failed relationship I tanked and every job I hated with every fiber of my being. I just wasn't good enough.
And that's really funny because I have been tested and I am super smart- like in the gifted range- even if I cant beat a fifth grader. And I am a happy person by medical standards and almost over confident according to my emotional analysis. So the conflict of knowing your a good egg, but being told by all those around you that your a screw up really fucks with the senses when your 10 years old and it carries with you into adulthood. It truly mind fucks the most well adjusted of people and is fodder for some very dark internal monologues of even fully functioning people, let alone the "special ones".
But I have to think- if at any time someone picked up on the fact\that my brain was wired differently how would my life have gone differently. Might I have graduated the USCGA and gotten that pension to prop me up in my 40's while I sucked another career and pension from the tax payers? Would I have gotten married and had kids when I was a younger man and been a 9-5 kinda guy like my parents and girlfriends wanted? Woulda coulda shoulda I guess, but I am really quite happy where I am right here and now so we'll just let that go I guess and chalk up the late nights drinking away failures as par for the course in the American system of child rearing.
What's also relatively amazing though is the success I have experienced in life. I've earned a masters degree, a captains license and by all accounts I am ready for takeoff into a world of fame and fortune with the latest project I have dug into, The Great Loop 2020. I have lost weight, quit smoking, done some serious soul searching for who I am and married the most amazing woman ever who inspires me to be a better me. It has not always been sunshine and roses, but its been a very good run from where I sit now and maybe if they hadn't missed the fact that I have a screw loose, I may never have gotten here. I just wish it didn't come with so many tears and heartaches. So for all those who missed the memo that I am who I am, fuck you, I did it in spite of you.
Comments
Post a Comment