With its first cousin and alter ego, Strattera, I am still superman with ADHD, but more like Superman on Kryptonite. I am slow, deliberate and as of today, incapable of running long distances. The good new is, I am not grinding my teeth from my head or twitching like an acne-covered 16-year-old in a whore house. But that little blue pill feels like it has added 20 pounds to my soul and apparently that is exactly what it is supposed to do.
When I was a in high school, a cup of coffee put me right to sleep. That was probably one of the first signs that I was ADHD I am told. Unlike the rest of the coffee drinking world, ironically, Caffeine settles the young ADHD mind. And when you put them on amphetamines like Adderall, they can focus and hone in on the world in a way that is difficult for them to do in their normal buzzing state.
Imagine if you will a concert, where a soft violin plays on the stage. You are seated at the rear of the venue and the sound system blares a static hum that echoes throughout the cavernous auditorium. Now take an Adderall as a kid, and you silence the static and move up 50 rows to hear the violin. But take that same pill as an Adult with ADHD and you silence the static and move up to the front row, but you also feel the urge to paint the auditorium with an artist's brush.
Adderall in my grown up brain, helped me focus, but it also made me feel anxious and twitchy. If I took it before my run, I could bound down Front street like a gazelle on crack. And when I returned home, my jaw ached from clenching and I could not sit still. But I could watch a TV show from start to finish and carry on a conversation with my wife for more than two minutes, a feat I could not manage prior to medication. My choice was to need dentures and knee replacement surgery, or be able to communicate effectively with the world. Not a fair choice at all.But as I was explaining this conundrum to my Doctor yesterday, I realized I felt like I was shouting at her and sounded like I had downed a carafe of espresso before my appointment. Clearly I needed to adjust my medication.
When I first started taking medication for my ADHD, I didn't realize it had any effect at all. I really didn't see or feel any difference, except that I felt almost as if my eyes had been opened wider and could take in more of the world. My wife noticed the difference almost immediately with my driving, as I started driving the speed limit and stopped tailgating people in the right hand lane. But a couple weeks in to the regimen, my driving had improved but sitting next to me on the couch was like riding a magic fingers bed in a cheap motel. The constant movement somewhat diminished the pleasure of a coherent conversation.
She was the one who researched the Strattera, a non-amphetamine alternative to Adderall. Turns out my wife has had some experience with kids who had ADHD, and being married to one who is all grown up brought back a few memories. She told me about it and I asked my Doctor if I could switch my meds. They are super picky about changing a prescription for a narcotic like Adderall, but as it turns out, when you ask for a non-addictive medication, they all but fall over themselves to fill it. The prescription was called in, filled and picked up three hours before my doctor even told me he had ordered the change. I have not found all that many examples of efficiency in Eastern Carolina, but this one blew my hair back.
And so this morning, I woke, feeling a bit dragged out. I drank five glasses of water last night and slept pretty soundly except for having to pee a half dozen times. There was no red wine to be had, so I should have felt pretty good. But I think knowing I wasn't going to be taking my morning upper, my body was a bit sad. I downed a coffee and took my new medication and waited for the urge to go running. It never really came.
At 7:30 I mustered whatever enthusiasm I could, to step out into the 42-degree morning. A chill ran down my neck and into my sweatshirt immediately and the music felt muffled in my headphones. My legs felt as if I wore ankle weights and my shoulders slumped under the imaginary load. This was the heaviest pill I have ever taken and my pudgy frame struggled to bear the burden.
I managed to do my warm up, languishing to catch a pace and blank my mind of the painful cold. By the time I switched the music to Bob Marley and picked up the pace, I could tell this wasn't going to be fun. "I shot the Sheriff" was the first song that played and I couldn't get my breathing to fit quite right in between the back beats and the guitar strum. A few commercials on Pandora helped me reacquire my breathing pace but when Peter Tosh came on next I knew I had to stop or I would hurt myself. I chugged for three more minutes and argued with myself to keep going until the last notes of the ganga-fueled guitar solo finished. And when it silenced, I stopped in disgust.
I still had a mile to go and no steam to run it. I wobbled as I walked along the road side and hoped my shame couldn't be seen by the man with the two basset hounds or the hauty power walking woman in the pink puffy jacket. I ducked into the side road that was my short cut to head home and felt the sweat chill on my neck line. I walked in the house, and sat down to write this blog.
I don't know if wandering through this world, seeing all and hearing all is worth it. I spent 43 years oblivious and distracted and didn't really miss what I never saw. But now that the things I have missed have been shown to me through the medically-induced telescope that is ADHD meds, I dont think I want to ever miss this stuff again. But as my therapist tells me, a properly medicated ADHD patient is just a muted version of myself and it is safe to say the the mute hit me today. I can focus now and pay attention and do things I never could do before....wait was that my phone?....
Comments
Post a Comment