I really didn’t want to make this one a sin. Pride was enough, but with the advent of the internet and the fact that everyone has a camera on their cell phone these days, I think this should be added to the Ten.
Those first ten were more of a set of guidelines than commandments. but like everything you all do, you took it way too far. It’s my prerogative to amend the list of ten whenever and maybe it’s time, because they are a changin'. It’s when you all take it to the extreme though, that I find some of the best opportunities to inject a little levity into the cosmos.
After all, everyone needs a laugh?
Take Chelsea and John. They are setting out to be famous and doing their best to find that fame traveling the planet in an Airstream and filming themselves for you on YouTube. Sometimes when you are flying highest, we have to yank you back down to earth once again. It’s how hard the landing hit you, that I find most funny.
The scrub-oak lined street glistened with sunshine as a gentle sea breeze blew across the brilliant leaves from somewhere across the sea. Their brand new pickup truck, with the shining aluminum trailer tacked on, glowed as it sat in front of the picture perfect church on Ann street where the happy couple was saying their vows.
The bell rang out and the big wooden doors opened. John and Chelsea emerged for the first time as man and wife.
They had their friend shoot a video of them standing in front of the just married sign written in soap on the back window of their new airstream and kissed their friends goodbye. They climbed in the truck and pulled away with everything they owned. They chose to bypass the compulsory wine and cold shrimp and grits that was part of every Beaufort wedding since the Spanish attacked the tiny seaside town in the mid 18th century.
Chelsea said, “John, I just want to go. I don't want to plan a big wedding with presents and dancing and all that, I just want to leave”. As the dutiful husband he was to become, he agreed and they drove away much to the chagrin of the old ladies on the altar guild and the starving restaurateurs who hungered in April for tourists in a town awaking from it’s long winter recession.
When they got to Myrtle Beach, they stopped at the first RV park they could find, A KOA affiliate with a pool and lighted palm trees out front. John filmed while Chelsea ran up to the front office and made the reservation. The old couple who stood behind the desk barely noticed the camera, when the young woman walked in a wedding gown.
“We need a spot for the night,” Chelsea said matter of fact.
“I bet you do”, quipped the old man, “I bet you do”. His wife slapped his arm and said. “Be polite Chester”
“Sweetie, where did you come from dressed like that?” The old woman asked.
“We just got married in Beaufort and we are heading down to Key West for our honeymoon.” she explained “we’re gonna put our adventure on YouTube!”
“Well we don't play too much on the interwebs”, said Chester, “but that sure is a nice rig you got out there” he said pointing to the brand new truck and trailer parked out front.
John lowered the camera and said, “Yeah my Parents bought it for us. Well the money they left me did.” John’s parents had passed away in a car accident earlier that year up in Vermont on a ski weekend. John was left a small fortune that he planned to use to fund his wedding and burgeoning YouTube career.
“We’re gonna video our journey as we travel across the US. Our first destination is Key West and then we will head out west.” John continued.
“I'm sorry for your loss”, said the old woman whose name was Margery, “but that sounds like an amazing adventure” .
John said, “Its Ok, we didn't really get along, and I needed the money”
Margery said, “Well I’m sorry just the same”.
John handed her a credit card and they paid the $85 nightly fee. Chester gave John a map of the park where he drew the easiest way to navigate around the swimming pool and to their spot.
They thanked the old couple and climbed back into their truck and parked their trailer for the night.
John set up the leveling jacks and attached the septic hose and Chelsea hooked up the water and plugged in the electric. This was the first time they had ever really set up the unit since the dealer in Virginia showed them how to do it and they thought it went quite well for only having seen it set up once.
They pulled the folded camping chairs from the bed of the truck and sat outside, looking out across the pine tree-strewn campground holding hands. “Honey, this is so amazing,” Chelsea said pulling his hand to her cheek.
“I know, can you believe we're actually doing this?’ said John.
“Do you want to see the video we got from today?” she asked.
“Totally, let’s get the laptop.” John said running up the stairs into the trailer.
He re-emerged with a small laptop computer that he handed to her while she pulled the memory card from the camera. She slid the card into the slot on its side and flipped the top open and watched for the footage load.
She slid her finger across the mouse pad and scrolled through clips of the airstream purchase in Virginia and the truck dealership. She moved on to the wedding and the shots they took on the road. She finished with the shots they took of the KOA and she said. “These are amazing. People are going to love us. I'm gonna start editing these right now!”
He said, “Do you want me to get dinner?” She said, “Yeah just get a pizza or something”
He unhooked the truck and drove down the street to the pizza place, where he got a large pie with a six pack of Corona. He stopped at a liquor store he saw along the way and bought the cheapest bottle of champagne he could find and drove home.
When he got back to the trailer, she was inside at the dinette with headphones in her ears. He opened the door, but she failed to hear him come in. He put the pizza down on the stove, the beer and champagne into the refrigerator and watched the blue light dance in his wife’s eyes as she stared at the screen.
She looked up startled and ripped the headphones from her ears and said, “How long have you been standing there?”
“Not long, how’s the video coming?” he asked.
“Really good”, she said “I should be able to render it tonight and have it on YouTube by morning. It all depends on the wifi. It's kind of slow”.
“Excellent” he said, “why don't you take a break and have a piece of pizza with me. I bought some champagne for our wedding night”, he said with a smile.
She laughed and said, “I will soon, let me just finish this part that I am working on and we can eat”.
John said OK and sat down to crack a beer and update his Facebook status.
By midnight John had eaten half the pizza and drank the six pack of beer. He fell asleep face down on the bed with his clothes still on and was snoring quite loud when she came into the room.
“John” she said, “....JOHN”
He rolled over and pulled the sheet over his shoulder. His sneakers got sand all over the bed so she went into the living room and curled up on the couch and ate a piece of cold pizza before she fell asleep.
When morning came, John got up first and turned on the laptop. He pulled up their YouTube Channel and saw the video had gotten 85 views and two likes.
“Chels, ...CHELS” he yelled, “We are up to 85 views with two likes!” Her head was buried beneath a pillow on the couch. She pulled it out and said as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, “ What?”
“Your video... it’s got 85 views and 2 likes already” he said.
“Your kidding, I uploaded that at 1AM? I told you they would love us” she said getting up and pulling the laptop around so that she could see it. The two sat at the dinette and marveled at how quickly they had been noticed.
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By Monday, the video had over 1000 views. By the time they got to Key West, it was up over 10,000 views with more than two dozen likes. She began posting weekly and soon had 500 subscribers and was making $100 a month on Patreon. They secured a sponsor from the car dealership where they bought the truck and received a check for $500 every month if they said, “We bought our truck at VA Trucks” in their videos.
The Patreon support and sponsorship were very helpful but ultimately did not cover their costs and his inheritance dwindled. By the time they made it to Corpus Christi, his bank account was in negative territory and the $600 they made on their videos was all they had to live on each month.
Chelsea decided that she needed to get more viewers. She began wearing bikinis on camera and every once in a while, she would have an “accidental” wardrobe failure. At first she blurred the “accidents” out for YouTube, but soon realized that if she left those “accidents” in the video, she could publish in Patreon for her paid followers and get even more views.
Soon enough they reached 50 patrons on Patreon and picked up a swimwear sponsor in addition to their truck sponsor. Their YouTube following grew to more than 1000 subscribers and they were getting 50,000 views per video. They could almost cover their expenses but they always need more.
Her spray tan, nails and hair each week cost $200 and his boxed meal program cost them $500 a month. There was the clothing expense and the gym memberships. They began using lights to show the subtle beauty in their sponsors' products and her medical bills from the plastic surgery center were piling up. They just weren't making enough money and needed more followers.
They pulled into a KOA campground in Albuquerque late one afternoon in August. She hooked up the water and electricity and he set the landing gear and hooked up the sewer pipe. Within moments they had the fridge humming and the dishwasher running and were sitting out front in their camping chairs.
Chelsea was scrolling through video online and John had a beer in his hand with his eyes closed.
“Those shots of the desert are spectacular. People will love them,” she said.
“You know it”, he replied through a yawn.
She began checking out her analytics on YouTube. She scrolled through the comments and started to cry.
John asked, “ What’s the matter?’
She read one comment out loud. “ You talentless air brain, That cat playing piano is more interesting than you”.
John said, “ You can’t listen to that, they are just jerks. You don't need talent to make YouTube videos.”
She closed the laptop and wiped her eyes. A child screamed and startled John. He dropped his beer and it spilled on the ground. “What was that?” he asked his wife.
She ran her nose along her sleeve and grabbed the camera saying, “There is something going on over there by the dumpster. Let’s go check it out.”
The couple walked over while Chelsea allowed the camera to run. She zoomed in on the dumpster and saw a dozen people on hands and knees. “What are they looking for?“ she asked.
John had no idea and called out, “Hey what are you guys looking for?’
A middle-aged woman with smoking wrinkles around her leathery face, replied. “There’s a cat under the dumpster.” A little girl corrected her and said, “NOOOOOO, it's a kitten”.
“Oh” said John with a smile. The couple stood back and watched the people stick brooms and shovels under the dumpster to try and scare the cat out. By sunset the group had dissipated and the parking lot was quiet.
Chelsea grabbed the camera again and said to John. “Lets go over and see if we can get some video of the cat?” John agreed and the two wandered over to the dumpster where the commotion was happening earlier in the day.
Chelsea got down on a knee and made a kissing noise as she held the camera under the dumpster. A little white and orange kitten poked its head out and rubbed against her leg.
She picked the kitten up and held it close to her chest, “She’s purring”.
They walked together to the main office and asked the front office manager if she knew the number for animal control. “I don't need no cat here,” the woman replied.
“No” said Chelsea, “ I just want to call animal control and tell them about this kitten.”
The woman clearly wasn’t listening and said, “I got nothing for a cat in here” and slammed the office door.
Chelsea and John took the kitten back to their trailer. Chelsea found a box that she lined with an old towel while John ran to the store for a can of cat food and some litter. When he got back Chelsea announced, “Her name is Rainbow. Just like the one on the license plate. We can call her Bowie to remember our time here in New Mexico”.
“Great, we just got a cat didn’t we?’ said John.
“It won’t be hard”, said Chelsea “she is just a little thing and she can live in the trailer with us. Besides, our followers will love her”.
“I guess”, said John, “But I don't clean cats pots”
Chelsea laughed and said, “I know grumpy, I will clean up after her”
She put the cat in the towel-lined box and watched her eat a can of wet cat food. Bowie curled up and fell asleep. Chelsea sat at the dinette and began editing the video of their new kitten adventure.
The next morning she opened the computer and clicked on YouTube to find the video had received 90,000 views and 800 likes in one night. She called John, “Honey, Bowie went viral!”
John came out of the bedroom with the kitten in his arms and said, “Would you be quiet, the baby is sleeping”
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As the kitten grew, so too did their following. They’re channel bloomed to more than 10,000 subscribers and they regularly began getting 200,000 views for every video. They filmed as they drove the truck with the cat on the dashboard. They shot the cat walking on a leash at the Alamo. They even got the cat rubbing noses with a buffalo at a petting zoo in Utah.
With every adventure they shared with Bowie, their following grew.
When they were heading back east, a call came from a producer at Good Morning America who had seen their cat rescue video and wanted to meet their cat. They were invited to New York with Bowie to sit down for a talk with Robin Roberts and jumped at the chance for National Television.
The day came and they parked the trailer outside of Philadelphia. They took a train into the city with Bowie in a cat carrier they had received from CatsCatsCats.com for a plug they put in their video at the petting zoo.
They sat on the stage and Ms. Roberts came out for their two minute segment. She asked them about their YouTube following and asked them to tell the story of how they found the cat. They smiled and allowed the cat to wander around their legs on a leash during the taping. She ended the segment asking, “Where is Bowie heading next?”
“We have an anniversary coming up and we spent our honeymoon in Key west. I think we will mark our three year anniversary down there with Bowie.” said Chelsea.
“Well that sounds like a great idea” said Robin, “We can’t wait to see what adventures Bowie has in Florida”
When they were done they headed back to their trailer and set out for Florida. They stopped at the KOA in Myrtle beach and said hello to Chester and Margery and then headed down the highway to Key West.
Driving down the two lane road towards the islands they stopped and got a video of Bowie at a beach near Marathon and Chelsea shot a video in one of her bikinis from her sponsor.
They arrived at the motel and Chelsea said, “It hasn’t changed at all”
John smiled and said, “Yup still beautiful”.
Chelsea walked in and introduced herself and the cat to the front desk agent. He was a tan man named Tony with thinning hair, a stained tank top and flip flops. Chelsea said, “we were here for our honeymoon three years ago and now we have a new family member with us, this is Bowie. He just came from Good Morning America”.
Tony’s eyes lit up and he spoke with a lisp, “I saw this little girl on TV the other day. Was that you sweetie pie?” he asked, scratching the cats head. Bowie leaned into his hand and purred
“Yes it was, and she needs a little time to recover on the beach” said Chelsea. “Do you happen to have a room with a hot tub?”
“Yes”, said Tony, “it looks right out over the gulf and has a hot tub right on the water.”
“That would be perfect. Right Bowie?” she asked the cat.
She handed him a credit card and he handed it back with a room key and a form that outlined the pet policy. Chelsea said thank you and went back out the trailer to tell John that she had gotten a room.
John was sitting on the tailgate of the truck drinking a beer and watching a young kid reel a fish in from the shore.
“I got a hot tub, “ said Chelsey, “ Let’s shoot the sunset with you and me in the hot tub. Get the camera, lights and tripod and I'll grab the bags”.
John obeyed and began carrying the gear into the room at the end of the island.
They rushed to get the cameras and light stands set up. They changed into another set of her sponsors' bathing suits and climbed in the hot tub. John got out and ran into the bedroom and came back with two glasses and the bottle of champagne they never drank on their wedding night.
She laughed and said “You still have that? My God, is it still good?”
Bowie walked in the room and John went to pick her up and shoo her from the equipment.
“What are you doing?”, Asked Chelsea, “she has to be in the shot.”
“She might knock something over and you know she won’t want to get wet.” John protested.
“She is fine, let her stay” said Chelsea. John obeyed and let the cat go.
John popped the cork and poured the two glasses and settled into the hot tub. Bowie walked over and rubbed against his elbow.
The camera was on and the room grew hot with the lights blazing on the couple as they soaked in the hot water with the warm Florida sun shining through the window.
John said, “Let's get this done, I’m getting hot”
Chelsea replied, “ But it's not sunset yet. We have to wait.”
“Jesus, I'm gonna die here,” said John.
They finished their glasses of champagne and Chelsea said, "I’m getting a little drunk”.
John poured another glass for each of them and they sat back and watched the sun fall lower in the sky. The light stands pointed down on them and the camera hummed in the background. The heat was unbearable and the alcohol was going to their heads.
Bowie wandered through the legs of the equipment and rubbed each one as if to claim it as her own. Suddenly, a light began to teeter as the cat rubbed against it. She saw the chord wiggle and the kitten decided that this was good fun. She batted at the chord, knocking the light over onto the next and the two collapsed lights then fell onto the camera before the entire tangle of equipment toppled into the hot tub on top of Chelsea and John.
A loud pop scared the cat and a fizzle bubbled through the water. Steam rose up through setting sunlight. Tony was startled when the lights and TV in the lobby went out.
Bowie licked her paw and rubbed it on her face as she purred over the two dead bodies in the hot tub. She turned her head and closed her eyes when she heard a quiet laugh come from up above.
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